Whispers of Demons

You. Me. That person over there. Everybody has them. Demons that sit on our shoulders whispering their promise. Some tell stories of beauty and desire. Others whisper their doubt and hatred. We can’t see them. We can’t hear the whispers of others. You hear yours and I hear mine.

I know the names of my demons. The loudest is Anxiety. This little critter tells me how much you’re going to hate this post. How many mistakes you, the reader, are going to point out. It tells me to delete it, give up, I’m not worth it. The other demon that’s always leaning over Anxieties shoulder is Depression. These two always travel together. Their BFF’s and love playing off one another. When my thoughts give in to Anxieties whispers Depression is there hinting at how I’ll never make it in life. It’s okay to never leave the bed again.

My shoulder is a crowded place. Dyslexia, Impulsive, Hypochondriac, and People-Pleaser…to name a few of mine. Some days they all talk at once. My head would get clouded. Thoughts would jumble making me forget why I entered a room. I’d avoid the woman in the mirror just to keep them quiet. Other days they’d be silent or whisper one at a time. You’re demons and mine are different. They may have the same name but they are not the same creature. My Impulsive demon may make me spend all my money where yours keeps you going out to parties. My People-Pleaser might force me to make you happy by giving you everything you desire while yours makes you dress in all the top brands.

Don’t listen to that Worry demon. There is a way to quiet them. Take my hand. We can do this together. Brush off your shoulders. They will climb back up to whisper in your ear again and again. We’ll have each other, let’s brush them off again. Just as you listen to them I will listen to you. Maybe we can tire out the demons, quiet their voices. They won’t go away forever. Together we can learn to live with them. Make them a strength instead of a weakness. Dyslexia used to keep me from reading, knifed my writing, and added to Depression. The older I got, the wiser I became. I figured out that I would never truly snuff out my demons. I had to hold their hands and grow with them not against them. Find a healthy balance.

And here I am today. Perfectly imperfect. Living with demons that whisper doubts and insanities into my ears. I found my support system within my family and friends, and they found support in me. Together we grow stronger. We get louder. And, we’ve learned how to be happy.

*******

I made this post thinking about a family member who is struggling to grip their mental illness. I wish I could crawl up into her brain and rewire it for her. Or, reinstall her mind. I know those are not options I can give. I can, however, stand by her as she learns her brain. I can give her strength by listening. And, I hope as the time goes by she will find a way to balance herself the way I have. I know what I deal with day-by-day is nowhere close to what she deals with. But that’s okay. I’m here to listen. I’m not here to turn it into a challenge of who’s more mentally unstable. Even if our mental illness shared the same name, it wouldn’t be the same.
They’re never the same.

 

Wicked Soul Ascension 
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Adoption on the Brain. YouTube: Fumble

I made a Youtube video yesterday and realised that I wasn’t in the right head space to make one. Lately, I haven’t been able to talk with all these things going on.
(Link to the video: Adoption Education Program.)

Writing a book, working full time, getting debt free, getting fit, adopting from foster care, and vlogging about the adoption. It has taken up more time then I imagined. I haven’t been able to time manage all these things. I’ve realized after I posted my video about the AEP, adoption education program, that I mumbled about the weather more times then I would have liked. I rushed through the editing so I could make dinner.

I need to rethink about how I would like to manage my time. I did this for my writing last year and I was able to publish a book. A schedule is needed when you have so much on the go. I love writing. It is my main passion when it comes to life. I would love for it to be my full-time job so I can have flexible hours when Mark and I are placed with our child.

Above all…
Adoption has been weighing heavily on my mind.

Adoption has taken up most of my energy as I have been trying to contact social workers, educating myself about adoption, and talking to friends and family about the adoption. With my YouTube channel, Our Journey to Family, I have tried to answer as many questions about our process. There are weeks where we haven’t moved forward and I am online looking at profiles of the Children in Waiting. Every time I read those little profiles my heart hurts for them. I know we can’t adopt all of them…
With the vlog, I hope to educate people about adoption. If I could get one more family to think about adoption then I will be satisfied. It was an easy choice for us, but that’s not the case with everyone else.

Adoption can be scary. You don’t know the trauma that your child will come with. It’s a hard transition for the children that come into your home. For one, they were chosen to be part of a family. And on the other hand, they were given up/taken by their biological family. Mark and I both had blessed childhoods so it’s hard for us to truly relate what the child will be going through. We both know we have the patients and the support from our family to help our child however they need.

Vlogging about adoption has me facing my biggest fear. People hearing my voice. I am trying to get better with how I present myself on camera. There are moments though, where videos like yesterdays happen. Where I mumble about everything under the sun, and the sun. I should rename the video Rambles by Chianne due to me bouncing all over the place. But the vlog is a life vlog as well. The adoption in at the point of a standstill so there isn’t much to discuss.
I want to do a video covering the emotions that go with being able to see the children’s profiles (no pictures) and wondering about our lives together. It has given me much to think about. There are many more videos that I would like to do covering trauma, FASD, and what we learn through our AEP and home study.

Now it’s time to hit the time management board.
If there is anything that you would like to learn about adoption or have an adoption story please let me know in the comments below.

Thank you for reading,
C. B. Dixon

 

 

OurJourney toFamily

Click to see YouTube Channel

 

 

Mindful Life: Waste and Money Go Hand-In-Hand?

Step back for a moment. Wonder that for a moment. You might be thinking that I’m a crazy writer that wants to blast the world with my conspiracies about great living. I’m not. Really and truly I am seriously letting you know I have saved money by managing my garbage. Yes, my garbage has helped me save money and I’m about to tell you how.

I live in a small tiny town where it takes a boat to get to me. Please keep in mind that my prices for things might be more than yours due to the fact that I do pay more than you for my products. Local is cheaper here.

Let me begin the tale of the Benckhuysen garbage plan. Here we have to pay $2 per 50lb. garbage bag. It adds up over time. Think $4 a week for a month, then a year. There are approximately 53 weeks in a year, so that’s $212 a year to get my garbage picked up and gone.

Hmm… that’s ridiculous, right?

That price is if we never recycled anything, it might even be more. Taking out our bottles, and recyclables our cost is half that. Bottle recycling we get money back, and plastic, paper, and glass are free curb pick up. This is a great incentive to recycle if saving the planet wasn’t good enough as an excuse.

There was one thing missing. Something we didn’t know we could do in town here because there is no facility this far up the coast. We had no idea we could compost our table scraps, yard waste, and A&W food wrappers. Yes, we now compost those. Ever see that label on the side that says compostable? It’s not lying to you.

On Monday, August 21st we started our composting journey. I had a lovely conversation with a woman that worked at the library coffee shop about how Mark and I started to compost our table scraps in Victoria. She went on to say that she composted everything in her cafe. She only had a small round garbage bin beside this five-gallon bucket. I thought the smaller one was her compost bucket…but I was wrong. The barista went on to say how she wants to have zero garbage come out of her cafe.

Pointed in the right direction I found the small composting bin beside the recycling place in town. The person that runs the operation came out as he saw me studying the signs. I tried to memorize all that information…he gave me a list of things that could go into the bin and things that can’t. He told me how to contact the facility if I ever had questions. I told him about how my husband and I were trying to be as waste free as possible. The reactions from people are amazing. He seemed thrilled with the idea. He took me aside and told me that there will be a curb side test. 500 people will be selected from town to see who will actually use the program. If there are enough participants that keep up with the program a compost facility will be built closer to town. Right now all the bins that collect the compost go down the coast to a place near Vancouver. After the conversation, he gave me an empty cat litter bin and sent me on my way.

Week One.
Goal: Go from two regular white garbage bags to one.

At the end of the week, Mark and I filled the compost bucket with our scraps, coffee grounds, A&W compostable wrappers, and tea bags. Our garbage…well, I think we need a smaller bin. I thought we’d at least have half a bag filled. We just covered the bottom. There’s not even enough in there to put on the curb sided. Our goal was easily met. We no longer have to pay as much for garbage bags. We might be able to make one box last us a year. Imagine only having to buy one box of bags a year.

To save money and waste we also carry around our own water bottle and travel mug. Mark loves his tea, and I can’t function without coffee. It may only be a 10 cent discount or one free refill. If you’re like me and drink more than one coffee a day you will save yourself dollars by bringing these things with you. That goes for bottled water. Have you seen the price tags on those things?! Water’s free here in Canada. Where ever you go, whether it is a gas station or cafe, water is free unless you pay for a bottle. Save yourself the dollars and save the planet from one more plastic bottle. Use a reusable mug/bottle. It’s worth the change. For your wallet, the planet, and your health.

 

Our Journey to Family

Mark and I have had a lot on the go lately. We’ve moved across the water, ocean, from Vancouver Island to the mainland. I got a new job that made me switch from being a nanny back into daycare. And, now, our announcement! We’re adopting!

For anyone that has found my tiny channel on YouTube called Our Journey to Family, you have most likely seen the announcement video. If you haven’t and would like to see it, here it is: (click photo)

DSC09050

Click Photo!

 

I will be getting on the ball with the videos soon. I’ve been enjoying making them. I have a lot of great updates since we’ve moved. I hope you all enjoy.

Mark and I have chosen to adopt through the foster system here in BC, Canada. I expected it to be a long tiresome process, but that hasn’t been the case. We have had great success with the new setup they have for the application process. It’s all online, at first

It’s all online, at first it was strange, weird, and felt as if I was online shopping for a child…but when all the pieces fell into place so smoothly I withdrew that thought. It was straight to the point, fast, and user-friendly.

Our choice to adopt came from Marks idea that there are many children in the world that need a loving safe home. It took a while for me to sink into the idea. I had always pictured me having my own kids. Now, I look at that thought differently. Own kids, I always thought of that as giving birth to a child makes that child mine. After chewing on the idea for, well it as a year or more, I realised for a child to be mine doesn’t mean I have to give birth to the child. I have to love, care for, and guide the child through their life. To parent the child. Not like what I do at work, daycare, where I raise other people’s tiny humans. This child will call me mom. They will rely on me for more than guiding them by the hand day by day until their parent comes and takes them home…I will be that parent that picks them up.

Once I started thinking about adoption, I started thinking about kinds of adoption. There were more than I thought. Domestic; a birthmother chooses you. International; you chose a country other than the one you live in to adopt from. Or adoption from foster care; a child is removed from their biological family due to no fault of their own. I thought about domestic, a baby, I’d have a baby! And then…I’d think about all those children already in the system. Lot’s of people want a baby, I know I want a baby…but all those children that are waiting…they were a baby once.

After battling with myself I talked to Mark about adopting through the foster system. That’s already what he was planning on doing, but he knew I wanted a baby. International was already out of the question, for now. It was then that we started our application.

Now, here we go on Our Journey to Family.