Let’s get it out in the open, I am not great with money or finances. It’s not rocket science to save money, budget, and do all that fun money strategies. I have gotten into spending money due to many things that are never a good excuse. I love spending money on other people like my husband, son, or other close family members. If they say they need something I will typically get it for them if they say they can’t at that moment. If a friend is with me, I will buy them coffee or lunch, because… why not? It’s a nice thing to do. I feel that I have an endless supply until… well until I don’t.
It’s always a funny feeling seeing a zero balance. Or, worse a negative balance. I do always have my bills paid and food in the fridge. I don’t have a savings or emergency fund. I am starting to see a pattern in my life. Not just with money. With writing, hobbies, and projects. I am great at starting them. I get this gran hype going, watch all the YouTube videos and do all the research. I learned why you should have savings, that you should save 10% of your income to retire with. There’s a reason to have an emergency fund besides this, what if you or your spouse get sick? How about if the car breaks down? Are you prepared for anything?
These are all great points and any of you that have been attached to this blog know now that I have cycles of productivity and seer avoidance. I wished to break that cycle. I didn’t know how. I didn’t have the discipline to go through the change. Breaking habits and cycles are not something that happens easily or overnight. For some people attempting to break a cycle becomes its own habit. This is where I fall. It is a habit for me to break habits. It is now part of who I am at this moment.
It doesn’t have to be that way for the future. It doesn’t have to be who I am for the rest of my life. I have tried to become more productive and more meaningful with my time over the past three years. And, I have noticed that a few of the ideas have stuck with me. I buy more locally, I think about my food waste and eco-footprint, I do hold onto something and wonder ‘do I need this item in my life?’ and I get rid of thing from my home that doesn’t get used. So, if these small habits have already formed then I know that all that I have been trying to do over the past few years has made an impact on my life. I feel that not all that I did to better myself as an individual, citizen, and child of Earth had not all been a total waste of my time.
What does this all have to do with the money? How do I use money and feel about money?
Money is time. You spend time in trade for money. A relationship with money is a relationship with time. If I blow time like I do money and vise versa then that leads into all other aspects of life. I have found through reflection that I have the same careless thoughts about quite a few things in life. I will spend time on other people but not on myself. I will spend money on other people but not myself. I will give a listening ear to other people but not myself. I will help others with their projects but not my own.
I think you get it.
I must focus on myself. Not in a selfish way. I will still spend money/time/attention on others. Yet, I must put myself into the equation too. If I give this, what will be taken away from me. Will I have enough money for gas for the week if I buy this meal? If I give this hour to help a friend do this project, will I have enough energy to get what I need to be done?
I am a fairly giving person. I love putting a smile on other people’s faces. So, maybe instead I will offer trades. Yes, I can help you clean your house. Then after dinner let’s go to my place and put on some good tunes to power clean mine. Instead of going to the restaurant let’s do a potluck. You bring a few things and I will provide a few things.
Saying no isn’t an absolute thing. There can be a compromise. Even a conversation about what I am doing with my time and money can explain why I want to do things differently in the future. Things in life are not absolute. We all learn from ourselves, each other, and the combination of both. My struggle could easily be parallel with the person I am talking to. What I have learned could easily help another.
In conclusion to this ramble and thank you for making it this far. I have decided that I am not going to be hard on myself for my failings. Making mistakes and falling off the path is only a lesson meant to be learned from. I have now written a few blog posts over my lack of doing them at all last year. I longed to write words down. To clean up my finances. To declutter my life. I wanted so much to get back on track and enjoy the time that I had. I did enjoy my time with family, friends, and both. I did however forget to do the things I loved. Writing, hiking, and having a coffee with a good book. In another blog post, I will be discussing the things that have gotten in the way of doing the things I love to do along with where my mindset was at. I feel so much better each time I write one of these. I hope that this helped you if you felt that you were just failing at all the things you were working on. I wish that this will encourage people to move past, learn, and keep going through those mistakes. Each step is not the same as the last. As you move forward the terrain becomes different. You might slip. You will succeed. All of you are worthy of happiness and you are all worthy of love. Love yourselves even if it’s a small love. Feel it and let it bloom.